Control

Controlling Behaviours

Teenagers, particularly during adolescence, go through a lot of emotional, physical, and social changes. For some, this can manifest in controlling or dominant behaviours, which can be challenging for both the teen and their family or social circle. Understanding why this happens, the potential impact, and how to address it can help prevent negative outcomes.

What does controlling behavior in teenagers look like?

Teenagers may exhibit controlling behaviours in different areas of their lives, especially as they seek to assert independence and navigate relationships. This behaviour can manifest as:

In Relationships:

Dictating friendships: Trying to control who their friends are, who they hang out with, or even trying to isolate a partner from their other social circles.
Manipulative behavior: Using guilt or emotional manipulation to get their way in relationships (e.g., “If you really loved me, you would do this for me”).
Jealousy or possessiveness: Extreme control over who their friends or romantic partner interacts with, often rooted in insecurity.

In Family Settings:

Refusal to follow household rules: Constantly pushing boundaries and challenging authority figures (e.g., parents, teachers).
Controlling conversations: Interrupting or dominating family discussions, often to have the final say.
Secretive behavior: Withholding information, avoiding accountability, or deceiving family members to gain control over situations (e.g., hiding things or making unilateral decisions).

In Social Contexts:

Micro-managing: Telling others what to do, how to act, or how they should dress.
Dominating group decisions: Taking control over social plans or group activities, disregarding the input of others.

Why do teenagers develop controlling behaviours?

Controlling behaviours in teenagers can arise from a combination of personal, environmental, and social factors:

Developmental Stage

Struggle for autonomy: Adolescents are at a developmental stage where they desire independence from their parents. However, as their brain is still maturing, they may lack the emotional regulation to deal with this transition healthily.
Lack of coping skills: As they face emotional, physical, and social changes, teens may use controlling behavior as a way to feel more secure or maintain a sense of control in their lives, especially if they feel overwhelmed by changes.

Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem

Fear of losing control: Teenagers who feel insecure may try to control their surroundings and relationships to make up for feelings of powerlessness or inadequacy.
Perfectionism: Some teens may have perfectionist tendencies that manifest as controlling behavior, especially if they feel they must manage everything in their lives to avoid failure or embarrassment.

Environmental Factors

Modeling behavior: If teenagers have been exposed to controlling behaviors in their families, schools, or social circles, they may mimic these behaviors because they perceive them as normal or effective ways to interact with others.
Parenting styles: Overly controlling or permissive parenting can contribute to the development of controlling behaviors in teenagers. If a teenager is not given the opportunity to make their own decisions in a healthy way, they may overcompensate by trying to control everything around them as they seek more independence.

Trauma or Stress

Past trauma: Experiences of trauma, such as abuse, neglect, or bullying, can lead to controlling behaviors as the teen tries to regain some sense of power over their environment.
Stress or anxiety: Teenagers with high levels of stress or anxiety may feel compelled to control everything around them as a way to reduce their fears or discomfort.

The impact of controlling behaviors in teenagers

On Relationships

Strained family dynamics: Controlling behaviors can create tension and conflict at home, leading to poor family communication and a breakdown of trust.
Friendship breakdowns: Friends may start distancing themselves from a teenager who tries to dominate the group, leading to isolation and loneliness.
Difficulty with romantic relationships: In romantic relationships, controlling behaviors can lead to emotional abuse, possessiveness, and unhealthy dependency, damaging the teen's ability to form healthy, trusting relationships.

On Emotional and Psychological Health

Increased stress and anxiety: Constantly trying to control everything can lead to burnout, stress, and anxiety, as the teenager may feel constantly overwhelmed by the need to manage others and their environment.
Low self-esteem: Paradoxically, teenagers who try to control others often struggle with low self-worth. They may feel insecure and rely on controlling behavior to validate their sense of self.
Depression: As controlling behaviors lead to strained relationships and isolation, it can lead to feelings of sadness, depression, and hopelessness.

On Development and Social Skills

Limited social skills: Controlling behaviors can limit the teenager's ability to develop healthy negotiation, communication, and conflict-resolution skills.
Stunted emotional growth: By avoiding vulnerability and pushing people away, the teenager may miss out on the emotional growth that comes from healthy relationships and peer interactions.

How to address and manage controlling behaviors in teenagers

Open Communication

Encourage open dialogue: Let your teen know you are there to listen without judgment. This builds trust and opens the door for healthier conversations about their needs and behaviors.
Express concerns calmly: Avoid confrontational language. Instead of saying, "You're always trying to control everything," say, "I've noticed you’ve been taking charge of a lot of situations lately, and I’m concerned it’s affecting your relationships."

Encourage Autonomy Within Limits

Give choices: Allow your teen to make decisions for themselves in a way that is manageable. Offer options instead of dictating their choices. This helps them build self-confidence and reduces the need to control others.
Set boundaries: While fostering independence, it’s essential to maintain boundaries. Establish clear rules, but allow space for your teen to learn from their decisions within those limits.

Model Healthy Behavior

Lead by example: Show your teenager healthy ways to deal with stress, anxiety, and conflict. Modeling emotional regulation, compromise, and positive communication helps them develop these skills.
Respect their privacy: Trusting them with responsibility and respecting their space can make them feel more in control of their own lives, reducing the urge to control others.

Build Emotional Intelligence

Discuss emotions openly: Help your teenager recognize and express their emotions, particularly those that might drive controlling behavior, such as fear, jealousy, or insecurity.
Teach coping mechanisms: Introduce them to healthy ways of managing emotions and stress, like mindfulness, exercise, or journaling, which can help them let go of the need to control everything around them.

Seek Professional Help

Therapy: A therapist or counselor can work with your teenager to address the root causes of their controlling behaviors, help them develop healthy coping strategies, and improve their social skills.
Family therapy: If the issue is affecting family relationships, family therapy can help everyone understand their roles in the situation and create healthier dynamics.

Controlling behaviours in teenagers can be frustrating, but understanding the underlying causes—such as the desire for autonomy, insecurity, or stress—can help you address the issue effectively. Providing support, encouraging healthy independence, and fostering open communication are key strategies for guiding teens through this challenging time.

Resources:

Website Links - Control.docx

Identifying Manipulative Behaviour in Your Teen - Manipulative Teens: Signs, Symptoms, and What to Do

Adolescent Violence to Parents - CPV

YoungMinds Challenging Behavious - Challenging Behaviour | Parents' Guide To Support | YoungMinds

Breaking the Cycle - Resources\BTC MANUAL FINAL 2019.pdf

Youtube Videos:

Coercive Control - Where is the line?

Understanding out of control Teenagers - Understand

How to Stop Getting Triggered - How to Stop Getting TRIGGERED Forever

Waterloo Road The Rise of Coercive control in Teen Relationships - Waterloo Road Documentary

One Mothers Story - Child to parent abuse